Winding Down

A lot of people know they have a trigger point that they start "winding up" with anger,  anxiety, or even excitement. Everyone has a different level thy need to reach before that tips the scales from control to out of control emotionally.
I was thinking about this earlier. I am well known to wind up easily over things and it is kind of a joke with some of my close friends to see how quickly I can flip that switch. When I feel misunderstood and the other person or people aren't getting it is a big trigger for being wound up. I also get hyper focused on anxiety issues that is extremely difficult to come down from and is probably one of my biggest struggles.
The best way to put that in check as quickly as possible is to know what triggers it and to be self aware enough to realize and catch yourself when you are starting that slippery slope down the rabbit hole. For me with my anxiety wind up, if I catch myself thinking over the same things multiple times, I give myself a mental slap and actively do or think of something else to make that issue slowly decompress out of my system.
Your homework this week is to identify a trigger for a wind up and also to identify what works in letting that air out of the balloon of emotions that you are struggling with not winding up over. Have a great week!

"Ain't Got Time for That."

We all are busy people. We often have work, family, extra curricular activities, relationships, and spiritual things to keep us busy. Before we know it, time has past and we have missed out on opportunities because we "don't have time."
A major area that we tend to make excuses for is keeping in contact with friends in some way.  When we start having those adult responsibilities, we find that friends go by the wayside because of what you feel there are higher priorities to take care of. I have done this myself. One thing I have learned in my years though is that if a relationship is very important to me, I need to make that extra effort to keep it going. Of course this is a two way street and both participants need to add to the relationship equally, but you can only be responsible for your own behaviors. It is easy to be like "Oh I am busy this weekend. Maybe next?" when a friend asks to spend time with you. Eventually this becomes a habit and someone finally stops bothering.
There is never a life too busy that you can give at least one hour or even a half hour out of your life once a month to stay in contact or see someone. I am not just talking about a FB message or a quick phone call, but go out to eat or a cup of coffee. You will feel better for doing so if that friendship is honestly important to you.
This also pertains to enjoying yourself and having down time. I see parents doing this a lot or people who work full time that they never seem to have time to chill and relax and do things they really want to. Hell, I don't work and I make excuses for not doing things I enjoy because I am "too busy'.  It is something we have to actively choose to do. Putting it on the calendar to have a spa day, see a concert, going shopping for the fun of of it, or anything we want to do that is selfish and mentally healthy to relax to. For example, I have wanted to make soap again which I haven't in years. But I keep making excuses to not to it even though I know I have plenty of extra time to do it but I find things that are less enjoyable to do that I feel are more important but really, there is no time constraint.
We are all guilty of doing this but we all need to find a time and place in our schedule to make time for those people and things we enjoy most in life. It just takes a little planning and effort at times.
Your homework this week is to make plans with someone for coffee or something similar to hang out with a friend you have been putting off for a while. Also, do something you have been putting off that you have wanted to do for some time as well that is just for you. This time of year is hectic but even now you can find time. Good luck!

Externalizing the Internal

Most of us have a public persona, conscious or not, and a private one. We act, look, and sound a bit or a lot different when we leave the home. We are one way at work, another way at home, another way out with friends, and another way when we are around people we don't like. We like to come off certain ways in front of certain people. Perfectly normal behavior.
For me, I like the have my outside match my insides and how I feel most regularly. Some people like to put on a mask so people perceive them a certain way. I feel this can be very constricting on one's self expression and holding them back from full potential because not only are you holding back what you may see as a negative, but most likely many strengths you have as well.
This weekend I decided to make my outside more attuned to how I have been feeling lately which has been more energetic and fun. So I dyed my hair with blue and pinkish-red in the front. Some say that because I am a grown woman and a mother and a wife that I should have grown out of that. I say hogwash. "Do you boo." That is a motto I have been living by this year. I feel more myself looking like this then I do when I have natural hair or professionally styled hair. I feel right.
Now this isn't to say everyone needs to go out and do something as dramatic with their looks but more of a sense that say, when you choose your clothes and you shake your head at an outfit you initially want to wear but then talk yourself out of, is something that most experience and can understand. Wear that outfit! Be authentically you!
Want to look funky one day? Do it! Want to look like a librarian the next? Do it! I understand some workplaces have limitations but there are always ways of getting your energy attuned even there. With jewelry especially. Even if it is hidden under a shirt, you know it is there, and that energy is still real.
So your task for this week is to wear or do something to your looks that you have been wanting to do but you keep talking yourself out of. It doesn't have to be permanent since we are ever changing beings. Enjoy!

Changing the Future

So this will not be really about spirituality but something that has been on my mind for a while. So I am a parent of a special needs child and I am pretty aware of how schools are run these days, which is very different from when I was in school. I also have many educators in my family like my mother and sister. But so many people know the way they are running schools now are focused on rushing them through school with few things to bring to the real world. Common core.... not even going to address that mess.
So I was thinking of sharing what my ideal school curriculum would be for majority of students because they really do need beneficial things and not just rushing them to graduation and leaving them high and dry.
The things that should be kept in schools that already are in are English/reading, math, P.E. music, and art. Everyone needs to experience art of all kinds because it is scientifically proven to help their intellect be it music or painting.  Everyone needs to know how to read and write and do basic math. A lot of algebra is useless unless you are in the science or architectural careers. I have almost never needed to use advanced math that was taught in high school and I think depending on what someone wants to do with careers shouldn't have to be enforced except what could be used in daily life. Physical education is a must, end of story.
Now for things that should be required in school in some form.
Updated home economics. Not like our grandparents or parents home-ec, but what applies now. Cooking is something everyone needs to learn how to do in some form. Doesn't need to be fancy but knowing how to make regular meals that aren't instant because we are of a time that if it isn't microwaved or boiled for 30 seconds, it isn't eaten anymore. Cooking isn't the only thing though. Cleaning like laundry, fixing basic thing around the house like changing a light bulb, and of course learning what each chemical in the house is used for. Even now I have no idea what some stuff is for.  All of these should be taught even if the kids are lucky to have a parent or both parents home to teach them because in this day and age, parents aren't available for things like that now.
Managing money is a whole class on it's own. I had a class similar to home-ec that did focus for 2 months on finances like how to write checks (which at this point is basically obsolete), taking us on field trips to figure how to manage a sh oping list with a certain amounts of funds, first hand and that was something that always stuck with me. Also including how to understand what taxes are about since so many don't do their own, but they should learn what it means and how it affects you. Money is a thing everyone needs to know how to use properly and so many don't.
Computer science. Some schools have this thankfully but most just have basic typing classes which isn't enough. Knowing what computers can do and not just use it for internet is something useful to know especially for when you have a job. I was taught in community college how to use other Microsoft Office programs other then Word, and even then I learned different things about it I would have never known. This is so incredibly important because computers are no longer the future, they are what we use now everyday in every way.
Real sex ed and parenting classes. Most schools in the US have sub par and abstinence only education and it has been proven to do nothing. Comprehensive sex positive education where things are very bluntly discussed with real medical terms, and not just how babies are made but STD's, what is normal physical maturity, learning about consent. So much more. And there is a high rate of pregnancy in teens particularly in the south. I remember having a day in class that we had to care for an egg in middle school and in high school a mechanical crying baby.  The egg was useless, but the crying baby, never gave me sleep and was way more accurate to real life and everyone should have that experience for a full week. It does give you a different perspective.
Comprehensive history and politics. This is covered in part at most schools but it does tend to use outdated books and focusing on the white males perspective. We should know our history across the world but of both genders and all ethnicity's. I had a college professor who was Bulgarian and gave the most amazing stories about his experiences and his topic of history. He made it interesting and applied it to real life. The political stuff knowing what every aspect of it is is incredibly important too which was never covered in school for me except hey, there are two groups, a house, senate, congress, etc. The end.  Experiencing what just happened here with politics, our kids get to feel the screwball future because of so many not really understanding politics.
One thing most schools can't do and an experience I was lucky to experience was having small classes so teachers can give individual attention to those who need it. I went to a Blind School in WA and at most we would have 9 kids in a class and many times 4-5 kids. I was able to finally get the individual help I needed with topics I struggled with. Things are personalized to the youth which it should be. Everyone does not learn the same.
Comprehensive science. So much we learn in science class is completely useless and never used again unless you chose a Field in it. Forcing kids to cut frogs open is out dated especially with technology being what it is now. It is unnecessary. Yes we should learn what makes up our bodies, what makes up the world with things like geology and oceanography,  botany, so on so forth. Science is important but the way it is taught now isn't comprehensive and taught in a way it doesn't stay in the brain.
A spin off history, learning about different cultures, by really experiencing them. A lot of hands on projects, visiting places that have those cultures if possible, and not just those that are in your region. Where I live, Native American heritage is abundant and strong but even here where it is in everything, it is barely touched on. Also, we have a history of Hispanics and Japanese heritages that are incredibly unique to the region that is never touched on. I learned last year that there was basically during world war II that there was a concentration camp (I am unsure if that is the right word where they held them against their will), in the town I grew up in. Which is crazy. Hands on experiences make things sink in much deeper and longer then just reading a book about it.
Field trips every month for some class should be required too if not more. As explained above, experience sinks into memory much better then reading words.
I can go on but I want to hear what you have to add or say on this topic! We can change things, so see what you can do in your area!
You activity for this week, whether you are a parent or not, make a list of 8 different classes you think should be in schools now.

Black Friday!

Hey everyone! I am putting everything on sale on my shop in honor of Black Friday! You can use the code: BLACKF2016 to get 25% off any purchase. Offer ends Nov. 30th! Hope to see you there!

https://www.etsy.com/people/LippyWitch 

In addition, the 10th purchase will get a free reading along with their purchased one as a thanks for supporting my shop.

Voting for Spirituality

This is not a blog telling you who to vote for. That is up to you to decide. This blog is about being mindful on who you vote for can impact your spirituality and practice.
There are/have in the past been candidates who have shunned religions or specific religious groups, such as Muslims and their practice. The idea that anyone who is in a leadership role that could be prejudice against one spiritual group, it isn't a far reach to think they could impact other groups such as pagans since they are not part of the mainstream religions.
Those who are pagan, Hindi, Buddhist, or of a non-specific denomination of a non-abrahamic religion could and have been affected by prejudice and fear in the past. We only have to go back a few hundred years in America to see how witches or perceived witches were treated because of bigotry and fear. Being mindful of who you are voting for and their beliefs and how that could affect you is something people don't always put a big focus on. I mean, we live in America (most of us), and the constitution says freedom of religion. We have seen this repeatedly been ignored in history and there have been more then a few politicians in our history who tried to abolish it as well.
This is a topic that is incredibly sensitive and should be digested for a bit to really let these concepts sink in. But for many of us voting is and will be happening Tomorrow. It is easy to vote based on superficial reasons, but when you stop and think about how it can personally affect you, you may be surprised on your perspective possibly changing.
Take time this week to really think about how politics and religion/spirituality has affected you and how it could change in the future.

music Moves Me

Most of us, spiritual or not, enjoy listening to music. Music pulls a variety of emotions from us depending on the style. From soothing relaxing energies to getting hyped up and pumped. Each person reacts differently to different styles.
For me, I may get pumped by pop-rock/rock fast paced music and am relaxed listening to dark moody alternative music. Whereas someone else may get pumped listening to techno and relax to classical. Same things apply to negative reactions to music. I generally can't listen to traditional country music because it agitates my ears. Where as for some listening to rap or rock does the same.
Music is great motivator and inspiration. As I stated about being pumped listening to some music, it can have the affect of getting one up and going as well. This is why people listen to music while cleaning, exercising, and even doing something in the arts like writing. I can't write without listening to music.
It also inspires me by what is sung, the tone of the music, and the energy it exudes. For example, I may be writing a really tense argument in my novel so I will probably choose to listen to something subtly aggressive and rock to get that energy in my veins and onto the paper.
When it comes to spirituality, many think you have to listen to specifically spiritual music to get a spiritual affect. This is incorrect. I personally don't like spiritually based music and it is distracting if I use it during spiritual times I need music. I tend to use traditional Asian music and singing or very avaunt-guard alternative music when I am practicing my spirituality. Others definitely find music that is meant to be spiritual, their bag to do with what they will.
Every one's tastes are different and everyone uses music in different ways in their life. Some may have it as a background noise to their life where others have it as a major part to theirs.

Your task this week is to take a half hour of time to yourself and listen to different styles of music. Determine what emotions or energies they pulls from you and see how that can correspond into activities for the rest of the week. You may be surprised on how much it can affect your activity level, moods, and productivity!

Note: This week, my motivating music is the artist Banks: album The alter.

My relaxing music choice is by Jose Gonzalez: album In our Nature.

And my spiritual music is by Fever Ray: album Fever Ray.

Protect Yourself by Protecting Others

Ever have a time in your life where you feel you are the protector of those around you? I am not talking about if you have a child or a younger sibling. By nature, most feel the need to protect their kin and those younger, or those who are fragile like grandparents. But when it comes to friends, peers, parents that are not elderly, coworkers, associates, when does that protector feeling ebb?
For me, when I was young, I felt often times that I did not have a protector outside my home. My parents and even my sister (though we have a strained relationship), would always be there to stand up for me but when say, I went to school, those protections disappear and I was left to fend for myself. For years, I spent much of my childhood through my young adult life being a door mat. I generally did not stand up for others because I was either too busy trying to protect myself by being invisible and what not, or I had an ill state of mind that if I wasn't being protected why should I protect others. It was very rare and in extreme cases that I got out of my box to protect others. Generally when physical violence was going or did occur did I step in. That was always what crossed the line for me.
As a grown woman with a child of my own and a family, I have grown much stronger and also in time, learned to stand up for myself. Somehow in that time I had learned to stand up for others I felt couldn't stand up for themselves. Or even if they could, I supported them actively so they knew they could fall back on me if need be.
I am not very much what people call a mother bear towards people I care about and for those who I feel can't do it for themselves. They have the right to experience what I wasn't able to when I grew up. Sometimes having that one person at your back can make a difference in one's self esteem and confidence.
Too many people today do what I saw and did when I was younger, and ignored those who need help and go along with their day. Hell, there have even been news stories where they had people pretending to be physically or sexually assaulted and majority of people would just walk away. It really is a sad state of affairs in our country.
So why am I rambling on about this and protecting others and yourself? This can or may not be a spiritual aspect of your life but can certainly pertain to it. We in the community discuss ways of protecting ourselves magically with crystals, wards, and energy workings but when it comes down to the mundane area, that conversation tends to fall short. I am certainly a person who pushes for mudane resolutions first and then fall back on magic, but do what you have to do. Again, it also seems it is self preservation rather then protecting others that are the focus.
So, I lay a task out for you this week people who read this. Make it a point to get outside your spiritual and individualized box and stand up for a stranger or someone you have not stood up for before that you know needs it. You may feel the person you know you may have issues with but put that aside if you feel they are being done wrong. You would be surprised at how good it feels to put yourself out there and how something as simple as that can change a relationship dynamic as well.

Gifting or Buying Your First Deck

This is a debate for tarot readers that when someone wants to start using tarot that they should be gifted their first. Like it is a tradition. However, many see no problem in purchasing their first deck. The following is my experiences and the pros and cons of doing either.

I purchased my own because I had no one in my life that would have gifted me one. I bought a deck I thought I would enjoy learning it from. The Egyptian Tarot, that was actually kind of complicated with little complex imagery to learn intuitive reading easily, which I now know I am an intuitive reader. I bought it and played for it for a while then years went by where I didn't touch it. I then saw a tarot review of the Steampunk Tarot and purchased that based off my attraction to the imagery. It was the perfect starter deck for me. I was able to learn how to use it on my own terms and it really helped expand my understanding of intuitive readings.
I had no clue there was a tradition of gifting for your first deck by the way.

Buying your own deck...
Pros:
You can purchase what YOU are attracted to
You can feel the energies from the deck prior to purchasing it.
It can be special to buy your first as well.
Cons:
You miss out on the tradition associated with starting your tarot experience.
You, like myself, find a deck you are initially attracted to but find out you don't resonate with it in action.
Being gifted your first deck...
Pros:
You are honoring the tradition.
Getting gifts are awesome!
The person gifting it to you clearly wants to support your new adventure in the divination realm and is hoping their purchase or their own used deck has some power that can be transferred to one receiving.
Cons:
You may  get a deck you don't resonate with or like at all.
The giver may have expectations they put on you for the deck like how to use it because they used it in that way, when you do not resonate with it or want to constraints.
You may feel guilty if they purchased a super expensive deck, that you are taking a clearly loved deck from theirs, or receiving an unfinished deck because unknowingly there are cards missing.

There are more pros and cons to both but those are the main ones that come to mind. My final opinion is it depends on what you are wanting. Do  you want tradition over individual experience? Or do you want to make sure a deck resonates with you rather then a grateful but unwanted deck?

Ask these questions to yourself if you are beginning your journey or thinking of gifting a deck to someone.

Making Your Own Year and a Day?

I have been juggling with myself on wanting to do something such as a year and a day, but so many are based on specific religions such as Wicca. Though I am aware of witch specific year and a days that are less popular, that some have followed, I am coming to the conclusion I will have to create my own to satisfy all of my spiritual needs.
What am I doing to prepare in making one? Well first, I am looking at the books that though aren't witch specific, are related to my craft such as the Wicca based ones to get an idea of how the general year and a day is set up and some topics that may be of interest to me to expand on in my own year an a day.
Second, I am taking notes on the areas I have little to no knowledge on but want to expand on in my spiritual path. For example, I am into astrology but I really have little to only the basic info on it and want to learn more.
Thirdly, my plan on scheduling topics will be either a certain area will be covered during a full week in different ways or depending on the topic like astrology which is huge, do a whole month dedicated to it. I don't want to rush through topics just to get through it, but I want to really learn about them. For example,  using astrology again, one week would be dedicated to sun signs, another week would be on houses, and so on.
Fourthly, I would also set up tests quizzes at the end of the "circuit" of topics to make sure I am retaining the information. I feel just reading over and not really practicing what you have learned generally goes the way of when we did homework in school. Into the mental garbage.
I am not rushing to create this and research is a big part on creating this but I want to make sure I am covering all the areas I want to and thoroughly. When the year and a day is done, I want to make sure i have had significant growth but also not use this time as like an elective class in high school where I just exist during it, I want to enjoy and grow from it.

Have you ever done a year and a day? Would you create your own? Thoughts on my idea?

Final Thoughts on Self Love September and Plans on future

It was an enjoyable and thought provoking September. I had not participated in this until this year and I thank Kelly Ann for getting this program going a few years ago and continuously running it since! ♥
My thoughts on my progress during this past month are mixed. Nothing I have shared is anything that is a surprise to me and nothing I wasn't self aware of already. I think my overall struggle with the whole process is finding how to push past the borders I have hit with the self growth in self love. DO I love myself? Not really.
Do I self care? Pretty well on the basic level and mostly out of self preservation. Do I think I am strong? I am only starting to see that I have grown in this area and accepting that I have achieved things by persevering through them. Do I put how I feel about myself on other peoples thoughts on me? Definitely. I do care significantly on what and how people think of me and that is something i really need to work on still. Though I have gotten better over time. I know my faults intimately. Do I generally know my strengths, not so much. I need to learn to be more emotionally antonymous. Independent.
Overall though, this past month did give me some useful insight and really narrowed down what I need to do on working on myself.

Plans from here on out with the blog? Well, I do plan on at least blogging once a week. Maybe more. It may be trivial, or how I am feeling that day, or plans for my channel which is where I put most of my energy. I do plan to keep this active.

Thank you for everyone who has kept up on my progress this past month and have been supportive. ☺

Self Love September: Day 16 - Creative Process

Kelly on soundcloud discussed freeing the creative process.

I am a creative person. I know this. I do talk myself out of it. I love writing that is my biggest expression next to attire, make up, hair, and body mods. Not having to do with my actual body. I love creating things in any form but I always talk myself down from doing it or make excuses why I can't.
I write, a lot. I have been writing a book for 3-4 years now and it is not finished though I have 75k words done and really I could easily finish it in a month but I am just tapped out. I did for a time find writing other stuff helped with my expression such as short stories and poems. I always feel so much better after. I find when I am depressed though it is extremely difficult to get the energy up and going with it.
I am also a singer and dancer and those are things I love doing but dancing is something I rarely do because of physical issues nor do I have the space to freestyle alone. Singing though, I do and I do it loud. I always feel better after doing it. Music is MY bag baby :) .
This I know is something that if I can push past, I would be a much happier person. This is a short blog but I basically just wanted to touch on my enjoyment of being creative and letting go and just doing it rather then setting some goals other then just starting it, I would be much happier.

Self Love September: Day 15 - My mindsets

Another soundcloud topic is Kelly discussing self love mindsets.

So I interpreted this as calling yourself on bs mindsets when you get into a place of well, bs.
For me I do tend to try to have positive and healthy mindsets but that is almost never possible. I tend to get wrapped up in drama of others, too overthinking things where there is no need to, reading into stuff that isn't there, and having a hard time with identifying my own self worth, strength, and esteem.
The frustrating part of this for me is the fact I know I am doing it when I am doing it generally but I can't seem to stop myself. Especially the overthinking of things. It is like a tornado and it just gets more intense he more I try to escape it. The mindset of a mind that doesn't shut down. It is extremely frustrating.
Writing lists to slow the mind down does help but not always because there are things you just can't make lists about. Setting goals or schedules help to. Structure in general in most things help to keep me focused and process those thoughts.
I have gone as far as to medicate myself to make my mind shut down or organize itself. I take heavy narcotics for my back issue when it flares up but there have been a handful of times I have used it, though my back hurt I could have been mildly okay without it, because it does tend to organize my head. I am not sure why but it focuses me kind of like how ADHD medication does.
This is another area I struggle strongly with because a healthy mindset is something I was not "born" having as far back as I can remember. I am not saying it isn't possible to get out of these mindsets, like being a victim for a long time I no longer generally think that way or when I do I can redirect my thoughts. But it is frustrating for sure in dealing with trying to get into a better place mentally.

Self Love September: Day 13 - I need my space!

Kelly's last soundcloud talked about solitude.

For me I have so much solitude due to not working and a child in school. I don't get out of my house much and I do know this does hamper some of my self love growth. But time alone is not an issue. I do tend to sleep my solitude away.
For me, I can't be around many people for long periods because it is exhausting especially being an empath. My walls are very thin to block well.
I tend to feel that when I am alone I have so much freedom that it is overwhelming and I get lost. I am someone even alone I need structure. I don't have a lot to say on having alone time but I do know that I need structured solitude to feel productive.

Self Love September: Day 14 - Am I a Loser?

Another soundcloud topic by Kelly about accepting defeat.
This is something I do struggle with from time to time. I have a lot of wants and needs in life but due to usually external reasons I just can't achieve them for one reason or another. Here are a few of the things.
Working: Due to having physical issues that would make working very difficult, I have actively chosen to stay home with the blessing of my husband who is a great provider and doesn't guilt me over it. I have relatively recently accepted that I may not ever have a traditional job even though I even got a masters in psychology which has come to be almost useless. I have worked non-traditional jobs but they were all temporary or internship jobs. I struggled even then to do it. I do occassionally put feelers out there towards jobs I think I can physically do but overall I have moved on from this.
My book: I love writing and I have so many stories I have started and never finished. I have a book that is over 75k words and almost done but I have been stuck ever since dad was ill and died and have done little to progress it. I am struggling to know if I should give up or really work through it even though my heart is no longer in it. Though for other writings it is.
certain friendships: There are people in my life that I have a hrd time letting go to the void even some I haven't talked to in over a decade but that I want to still talk to but for whatever reason, trivial and seriou reasons, I cannot. I still dream one day smoe of these people will be active once again, though I know it is unlikely.
Fantasizing: I have a vivid imagination and I have many dreams. Some to do with what I would dream of doing with my life but because of the situation I am in is most likely never going to happen, wanting to go back in time and fix things which is impossible,  and even at some points dreaming of people (during low points in my marriage) I could be with and how life would be better with them, but knowing it wouldn't logically.
Some of these things could be not given up on and still strived for but the energy just isn't there. Then there are things that are completely out of my hands that I cannot pursue. Then there are just the fantasies that are just dreams and fiction and again will never be a reality and I should stop having.
There are simple things I have no problem giving up defeat to. But things above and even arguments because let me tell you I like to argue for the sake of arguing lol,  I find it hard to admit when I am in the wrong, wrong in general, or just following a line of thinking that just isn't healthy.
I will get down on myself extremely hard and get lost in the thoughts of what will never be in life, it is completely unhealthy but I have a hard time stopping it. The hamster in my head is on a wheel with steroids and it does stem from anxiety which I am still coping with dealing with. I do feel once I deal with my high anxiety and depression successfully, a lot of this will no longer be an issue.

Self Love September: Day 12 - Self Awareness

Kelly discussed core beliefs and being self aware and how to break some of the unhealthy core beliefs in a soundcloud file.

Some of my core beliefs are the following:
Trust violated once is unforgivable
I am a ride or die friend or significant other. When I care for someone I go 110% for them even to my own detriment
Prejudice is intolerable
Judging should be withheld until you get to know someone
Looks are only skin deep and are unimportant
Just because someone doesn't agree with a stance or opinion of mine doesn't mean they are wrong (opinions are opinions).

I have more but those are the ones I can think of for the moment. I know some of those are good and that most people should have them. I certainly was raised to accept people for who they are and not judge or assume things without getting to know them especially based of their looks. I have a friend who had terrible face scars from frost bite she obtained when she was a baby. When I first met her of course it was the first thing I noticed but I treated her just the same as everyone else and she ended up being one of my closest friends.
Many people would say not forgiving a violation trust is pretty extreme. I am not talking about white lies or anything stupid though if repeated small lies keep happening it will add up in my book. But more major things. Sharing secrets, talking shit, etc. I have found when I forgive people for those violations it always bit me in the ass again later so I just tell them to fuck off and move on. Also with the giving 110% to the ones I care about, as stated, I sometimes go too far and I suffer for it physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is probably my biggest issue and that I need to work on it. I know I can pull back to just 100% or even 80% and I still can be a great friend or significant other to them. I often expect them to be putting in the same and that is unrealistic for most people.
I am very self aware of my personal short comings and as I have gotten older I am becoming more and more aware. I also make sure people call me on shit I do that isn't cool or unacceptable or over reactive. Being accountable is certainly a big help to getting over some of these faults of mine.

Self Love September: Day 11 - Speak Up!

I listened to Kelly's sound cloud for last SLS audio and it was about the throat chakra which is the chakra of communication. She discussed speaking up.

It took many years to speak up for myself. The first time I was able to speak up and stand up for myself was in high school and calling bullies out on their behavior (specifically to make them feel childish and immature haha). I felt so powerful when it happened. After a life filled with just accepting shit it was great.
I also started to speak up to my needs to teachers and those who were "above" me in professional ways about my needs for being blind. I needed to request and demand things instead of expecting them to do it without asking or anything like that.
When it comes to personal communication, as an adult, I am a gemini and we are communicators. Even to the degree it is TOO much communication. I have not much of a filter when it comes to speaking my mind even when addressing difficult topics. I find the more I care about someone though, the more worried I get about how they will take an honest topic I needed to address to them. I have lost some friends with speaking up and being honest because they didn't want to hear it, but most have stayed strong. For example, I had to distance myself from a friend who kept surrounding herself with unhealthy people and drinking too much. I was in a place that I was not taking care of myself because I was so involved and worried about her shit. I told her I had to stop being friends with her until she basically straightened up. She actually respected what I was saying and understood. There was no fight and eventually she came around and cleaned her act up and we are good now.
I find being honest even if it could hurt others or hurt me (I try to be tactful as possible) it is worth it because I am speaking my truth. I also make it a point to listen to their side with as much of an unbiased perspective as possible. It really makes friendships and relationships much easier.
There are few things I refrain on speaking up about but those few things are game changing types of things that I am unwilling to risk friendships and relationships over. Some things sometimes do need to be kept to ones self for the better of  the whole.

Self Love September: Day 10 - Sexuality and Gender Identity

Kelly talked about her own sexual identity and gender identity. Her and I have very much in common in general but this was something that I completely get what she is talking about.

So, just to put it out there, I am pansexual and gender queer. Pansexual in my definition is that I am sexually attracted to everyone regardless of gender (including trans people), ethnicity, disability, religion background, etc. Basically I don't care if you are Hispanic trans male in a wheelchair from an affluent family, or if you are a fifty year old woman with kids, poor, and white. It doesn't matter. I am attracted to personality. Also for me being gender queer just means I do and don't identify as a female or male. I generally use pronouns of a feminine nature but I don't mind having he/him/his either. I have a very strong masculine side and has always been this way. Not strong enough to identify as trans though I have had gender dysphoria at times until I realized being gender queer is a thing.
I was lucky to be raised in a household that my parents made it clear (not knowing my history) made it clear they could give two fucks who we were with as long as I was happy (or my sister who is apparently straight ☺). We always had gay friends over so it just wasn't a big deal. I never put it out there that I was "bi" at the time because I didn't know that pansexual was a thing back in my early teens. I think they suspected and they knew I was chill with the lgbtq community, but it even to this day is just a private thing that is one of the few things I don't need to spew about.
I remember I was always attracted to females but just as much males. Not counting childlike curiosity and playing doctor which most of us do as kids, my first real real girlfriend I had in high school. It didn't last long. She was very screwed up and unhealthy. She misinterpreted a conversation as me flirting with a guy and she punched me in the face at school. I haven't had a g/f since but I have had plenty of experiences since. My peers always knew I was sexually fluid and very much a tom boy.
I was able to put a name to what I identify as gender and sexuality when I worked at an lgbtq youth center non-profit, as an intern. I thought I knew it all with that area but wow was I wrong. By the time I left, I had words to describe what I was and "came out" openly in a group at the job and they of course were extremely supportive. It was great to experience that.
I have never held back that I was sexually fluid to any guys I have dated or my husband or my ex husband. They needed to accept me for me. Most were fine with it or thought it was "hot". My husband just shrugs lmfao. I have had a number of b/f's and close male friends that were sexually fluid as well so they get it without explaining myself.
Sexuality and gender identity as a topic is fascinating and a topic I love to discuss. As for me and self love though, this is one of those areas I am very comfortable and happy with my sexuality and gender identity. The only struggle I have had was in my mid twenties I was having a crisis if I was really more attracted to females. That it was something I eventually came to terms with that though I am sexually attracted to females, I don't think I would ever date one again. Unless they were very masculine. But since I am married I am all good!
Again, I was lucky to be raised with a family who gave no fucks about this topic and accepted me regardless if I wore baggy pants and men's t-shirts, hat on backwards, or wore a dress, or dated a bi man or a lesbian woman. I am glad I had that experience.

Self Love September: Day 9 - Staying on Track

This day is focused on staying on point with routines even when there are heavier things going on in one's life such as a project for work, maybe someone ill or dying, etc. The focus is that we need to be able to stay on track with self love regardless of what is going on.

I will break down what my routine is now and then what I would like it to be or what I am trying to have it be currently.

Current routine -
Morning: Wake up and get boo on the bus, maybe eat, and go back to sleep
Day: sleep or on the computer until kiddo comes home
Evening: do some chores, dinner, talk a bit with the hubs and kiddo
Night: shower, computer

my computer activity can range from writing my book, to chatting, to gaming (mostly), social media, yt, and some spiritual stuff.

As you can tell there is lil to no focus on me and more of a distraction from life.

What I would like it to be -
Morning: Sit in bed, do bed stretches, check in with how I feel physically, mentally, emotionally. Get kid up and out. Eat really healthy food and depending if I am tired maybe go to bed. but also exercise after the kid is on the bus.
Day: focus on the to-do list for house care. things I have put off like organizing my office closet that is something I really want to do but for whatever reason I don't finish it.  Eating a healthy lunch which I almost never eat during the day until dinner.
Evening: Have a real set time to just sit and talk with my husband without distractions. Same with kiddo. Eating a healthy dinner.
Night: Take a shower (which tends to be my self care time where I relax and chill completely), but also introduce a bath once a month at least to just veg. Focus on specific spiritual stuff.

Of course I will still be on the comp a lot bc this is my main source of communication and way to deal with stuff, but I also want to make it a point to find a day during the week either to volunteer or find a really flexible job, just to get out of the house and be around people I am not related too lol!

I have things I want to do but I do get overwhelmed and then don't ever do it. Like the organizing of the closet. I did do about half of it last month but I have to be in the right mind set too which isn't a regular thing.

Though I don't follow them alone, I am very much a person that enjoys routines, schedule, deadlines. I am mentally very organized. I definitely am someone that needs accountability to someone else or I fall short. I have a hard time getting myself without support, to meet goals. I am lucky to have a friend in my life that does do this as best they can but when it comes down to it, I need to have personal accountability.

This is something I struggle with on a day to day basis. Not having a lot of self care. I do bare minimum. I don't generally make an effort to even do my hair, make up or dress up. I want to do this because it does make me feel better when I feel attractive. Most days I am just chilling out in PJ's.

I currently am focusing on losing weight, finishing my novel, eating healthier, and trying to become pregnant. These are my big focuses. My goals is to lose 20lbs by xmas, finish my novel by the end of the year, stick to me healthy diet, have a strict work out routine, and when I am healthier, the likelihood to become pregnant is much higher. I know logically doing all of this will give me a better physical, emotional, and mental state and will help me reach bigger goals if/when I succeed.

Self Love September: Day 8 - Forgiving Myself

Kelly discusses how we need to forgive ourselves before we can really move on from certain things. That we may regret certain things we have said or did to another.

For me, I don't feel there is much to forgive myself for. I don't think I blame myself for most things. Forgiving others is extremely difficult for me to do though. Basically, once someone has crossed a line, they are dead to me. I know it is a hard line but this is something I have chosen to do because I am either an all or nothing person and if someone violates my trust, that is that.
Now back when I was in school I had a lot of bullying experiences and I was miserable. I held onto that for a very long time and there is still a tiny amount I haven't dealt with yet. When I got older and had been out of high school for some time. I actually found a few of the people who bullied me or who I thought didn't like me either because they hung out with a crowd who were assholes or something else. I actually talked to many and resolved many issues and misunderstandings. Some refused to see that they did anything wrong (usually the worst of them) and they will probably be this way until they die. I even apologized to some people I knew I had been an ass to because I was miserable and they received it gracefully or didn't even remember!
I have made choices I regret and I feel those are the things I need to eventually forgive myself for. Like most being with certain people who were unhealthy to be with and that I stayed with them and ran past more potentially healthy relationships because of superficial reasons or other nonsensical ones.
One of my favorite quotes I have ever heard is from the book and movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The main character asks the teacher why people date bad people and the teacher says.: "We accept the love we think we deserve." I have ran with this quote forever since watching and reading the book.
Anyways, maybe I need to be more forgiving with others rather then myself, maybe I don't. I don't think forgiving everyone or everything is something that is necessary, but moving on is.

Self Love September: Day 7 - Knowing Where I Have Been

One can't really move on if they haven't dealt with the past and acknowledged it.

Other then maybe while I was going through it before I hit my teens, I have always known I was depressed and in my younger years suicidal. I went to counseling for a long time during most of my academic career. So talking about my feelings was not an issue.
When I got older I had some more open dialogue with my family and come to find out, most of them on my dad's side and some on my mom's side have depression, anxiety, imbalanced emotional distress, and some stronger mental issues. That helped to know some of it is genetic predisposition and allowed for an easier acceptance of my mind's state.
I knew even in my darkest times what I needed to do to try and get out if it, such as when I left public school due to the insane amount of bullying and getting a divorce from an abusive marriage, it may have taken a long time to get to those points but I did get out of them. Same with stooping cutting.
I am still on a path where I am still at the beginning of self love path. I have a hard time accepting what I have achieved on an emotional growth level, and it is much more difficult to see myself as those who love me see me.
I know even now that I have depression and bouts of anxiety and drastic mood swings, but I am fully aware as almost in a third person type of view, that i am doing it and know why. I still struggle with many issues and other then 2-3 people I can open up to, I really do keep it to myself so blogging about it is a bit cathartic.

Self Love September: Day 6 - Shadow Working

Today's topic was shadow work. This is a topic I love and do much of. As stated, I have discussed previously that I have had plenty of trauma in my life and that I have had counseling almost my entire juvenile years and half of my adult years at this point. I also got a masters in psychology that gives me more insight on aspects of how my brain works. Most people who go into psychology to some degree seem to want to understand themselves and others around them. I was able to learn coping mechanisms and find hidden issues by being in counseling and I always promote seeing a therapist if you are able to if you feel stuck in a process.
I have always been one to enjoy diving into self shadows and why I have them, and why they aren't resolved. When one shadow is uncovered it is like a Jenga puzzle, the whole stack of blocks start falling if that one piece is removed, and will have many shadows uncovered.
I have a hard time seeing me in a 3rd party perspective on how I come off at times. I also have recently realized I haven't resolved many of my younger years shadows that I thought I had addressed and dealt with already. All you need is one person or event to trigger the hidden door to your shadows. It happens often to many people that we think we are completely done with a shadow and move on even for years and poof. Here it comes again. Other shadows I am working on is dealing with my dad's death wihch is a pretty obvious shadow and the process has actually been pretty good. Another is trying to find out why certain triggers that had stopped long ago are coming back in. My assumption but not fully conclusive, is that my dad's death threw me back or uncovered everything not completely dealt with since even after a year, it is a raw subject though mourning wise, I am pretty good on. Death is clearly one of those big shadows for most.
I could go on and on about shadow work and how much I love it because learning about yourself is fantastic and interesting, but I will stop here. I think next year I am going to dedicate October to nothing but shadow working.

Self Love September: Day 5 - Choking on My Own Wisdom

The title of Kelly's recent video is Drink Your Own Wisdom. I choke on my own wisdom all the time. I know I give good advice but following it is what is difficult. This is one of the worst things I struggle with with self love for sure.
I put myself out there time and time again for people with advice and action and often it has blown up in my face so for the longest time I didn't allow new people into my life. I have recently, since my dad's death, started to open that closed off part of me back up. It has backfired a bit but overall I have some of the best friends I have had in my life. Two people in particular.
One of them needs a lot of support and at one point I felt I was being sucked dry emotionally on a certain topic so I did take my advice at giving myself a safe space and having soft barriers up. Her and I talked about it and being she is a good person, she didn't throw it in my face and we resolved it and we are stronger for it. Balancing the friendship.
The other friend, it is kind of the opposite. They support me time and time again at some of my worst times and they just stand strong for me while I am a hurricane of an emotional storm. I make it a point to give this friend a lot of verbal support such as advice and positive reinforcement, but hands down they are the tree I lean on the most in my life. They also have a good safe bubble and he calls me on it when I start pushing boundaries and I definitely need to hear it at times.
Kelly asked basically the following question: What was the last inspiring thing you have said to somebody and what would happen to you if you said that to yourself? Now I can't remember specifics, but I know I tell my friends I mentioned above, that they are strong people and that they shouldn't question their gut instincts/intuition about things be it about people or of a spiritual nature. Now I strongly feel I am not strong but both those friends tell me I am. It is hard for me to believe because of all the traumatic shit I have dealt with. I just feel like I endure. I would feel very uncomfortable. It would be like if I spilt that wisdom in my lap and it would look like I peed myself. That is the type of feelings I get from saying stuff like that to myself. I feel silly and stupid saying stuff like that to myself. I know I need to get to the point of finding that comfort level. The struggle is real.

Self Love September: Day 4 - Growth through Creativity

The following are a few things that are in Kelly's words... "My jam" that gets my creative juices flowing and allows for some self appreciation when applied.
Reading: Reading a good book gets my writing mojo going and I go nuts with it when a new book hits one of those cords. When I am in a good state I can write for a whole day. I wasn't able to write creatively last year much because of my dad dying etc and then mourning. This year I have started again but it has certainly been a struggle. When I am able to write something I feel satisfied and good about myself when I successfully finish a project or a chapter in my never ending book. ☺
Art - Something I haven't really done in years... I have always loved hands on creativity such as playing with clay, painting, drawing even though I am horrendous with it. You would think having a kid I would have gotten back into it but not the case. It is something I know I have a desperate need to experience again but for whatever reason when I attempt it falls through and I never do it.
Eccentricities - I know that seems weird but when I run into something or someone who is not in the "norm" box, I analyze it or them and it gives me ideas for a variety of things. This includes funky clothes, make up, behaviors that are unique, etc. I am an oddball myself and I am proud of it, so I can appreciate things that are outside the box.
A good conversation - There are some people and some topics that if discussed, I can talk for many hours. I am talking like... 10+ hours consecutively! I tend to feel like my brain is a pitcher that the conversation is the water filling it. When it is done I have very full head and I want to "pour" that energies into something which allows for creativity in a few different forms especially writing.
Music and dance - I was raised in a household where music from The Doors to Sting, from Dave Mathews to Marilyn Manson was played. Singing and loud music was just a part of my childhood and still is a strong creative 'juice box" for me. I was also raised to dance in classes like ballet, tap, acrobatics, jazz, hip hop, etc. For many years. I have also learned that dance on my mothers side of the family is something passed down with professional dancing. Music, singing, and dancing, they are things I still use today (generally privately) to express myself or get creativity from. It is one of my most static creative sources that I think will always be there.
Learning - Social sciences in particular like psychology, sociology, etc. Learning always makes my brain tick and I love it!
Gaming - I know it is crazy but gaming.
Cleaning - Kelly talks about decluttering in her video. Weirdly enough I enjoy going through things and organizing. I had even considered doing it as a job for a few years! But it gives me energy and a way to decompress bad energies too.
I remember I used to as a kid repeatedly create paper boxes, write letters over and overs that I never sent, drawing in my sketch books even though they were awful, scrap booking bands and "things" I was interested in back when, playing with my clothes, jewelry, and make up. Most of these things I stopped doing.
I would say something in the last year that has given me energy and creative is new friendships. Yeah, yeah, I touch on friendship almost every post I got it lol. But at this point in my life I have been kind of stuck in a funk with the same people in my life. New people in my life have kicked me back into some sort of a gear with questioning things and finding new oomph for life because of them. Which in turn allows for creativity to come back as well. Especially when they are supportive about me trying to express myself.
I do need to make time to get "out" and allow myself to experience things to give me more mojo for creativity. The last time was when I went to the ocean the last 2 times in the past year. It kind of drew my energies out.
I have the same routine all the time and my goal for the following year is to make resolution to get out to somewhere new once a month. Not a crazy goal but totally doable.

Self Love September: Day 3 - Interpersonal Relationship and Self Love

One of my biggest issues is putting others in front of my own needs. Also, putting myself in situations where I ask for others okays and thoughts rather then making my own decisions independently. I will also touch on getting out of toxic relationships with people.

This has been one of my biggest issues on self love. Having low self esteem, I tried finding it through other people and unhealthy relationships. When I was young, in grade school, I would put everything into what I thought was friendships to the point that it was annoying to those friends who pushed me away because of it. By middle school, I found a group of people who accepted me for me but were very unhealthy individuals. They were from extremely tumultuous households understand respect of others or appropriate emotional expressions, some did drugs, and so on. So I was not generally around unhealthy environments and people who weren't really in a good place to have healthy relationships. When I was in high school I chose to be more selective about my friendships but I certainly wasn't great at choosing people even then. I was getting into romantic relationships because I felt that was expected and behaved the way I thought I was supposed to and eventually got into an unhealthy marriage because of that.
This was one of the biggest unhealthy relationships I had been in to date. It was an emotional and verbal and bordered on physically abusive due to his bipolar disorder and the way he was raised. He unintentionally conditioned me to on egg shells and always ask for permission to do things which I haven't fully broken the habit of today. I also have a bad habit of apologizing and looking for others approval due to this relationship. My biggest self love experience through that whole situation is getting the strength up to divorce him. Which I finally did.
It has taken a lot of time to get to where I am today from that low point, but I still have a lot to work on still.
Currently, my biggest struggles are putting those I love and care about before me even when it isn't necessary or even when they call me out on it and tell me to stop it. It is a bit of a compulsive reaction for me. My happiness generally derives from making others happy, not myself.
I have a friend in my life currently who calls me on it when I do it more then anyone has and tries to nail in the fact that my needs are more important then anyone else. My friend tells me many positive things about myself that I either never hear or hear very rarely from those I care about and it has a major impact on how I view myself. It is kind of like relearning how to have healthy relationships and this friend is kind of steering the way. I am learning things about myself that I didn't know, or that I haven't dealt with and thought I had, and so on. It is interesting how one person coming into your life at the right time can flip it upside down and have such a large impact on it, in a positive way. Though some negative habits have popped up and my friend just figuratively shakes me and bats my head to get me out of those habits. Sometimes you need another person to give you a hand up but when it comes down to it, this is something I will eventually need to continue alone.
It is a never ending process.

Self Love September: Day 2 - Self Parenting

Today's topic is self parenting and acknowledging our inner child.

So I will start by discussing my relationship with my parents. As briefly touched on before in the last blog, I was very lucky to have great parents. Were they perfect? Nah, but they were as ideal as I could have expected parents of mine to be. Both hippies who raised me and my sister be free spirits with in reason and safety. Never kept realistic views from us even if they were negative. Such as discussing sex at the dinner table! Ha! My dad before I was born, was a partier and drinker and certainly continued to smoke pot until he died but he was a functional pothead where you really couldn't tell he was stoned. They used my dad's experiences to give us warnings on why doing certain things are a bad idea. Such as drinking and rolling a car. Yeah, not so good. My mom though experimented before we were born was very straight edge, not even drinking after we came around.
Both parents came from households that had father's who were alcoholics and with my dad, an abusive father. So they both as adults went quite the opposite. They were both raised Roman Catholic so I feel they both kind of felt tthe need to not have me and my sister have a super strict up bringing with the guilt associated with many religions. They let us choose our own path. Hell, dad went pagan and my mom associates with Native American beliefs.
They were very affectionate, would listen to our problems and treat us both like people rather then just kids, and though we were low income they always found a way to make holidays special.
Overall, they gave my sister and I a lot of freedom to grow but enough limitations that we weren't wild children. Even in our teens and certainly when I was gothed out and emo they didn't restrict much there either.

Were they perfect parents? God no. My mom certainly gave me my neuroticness when it comes fears such as heights. We actually experienced this last weekend when we went to dump my dad's ashes in the mountains and her and I (not my sister) were wigging out over the heights. She conditioned a few long time fears of mine. For sure. Also, she had a bad habit of not showing softer emotions like tears so I have often felt the need to hold mine back since my teens. We definitely had strife in my teens but we are very close now particularly since my dad's death.
My dad was always great, but when he had cancer the first time 15 years ago, his moods certainly were affected. The chemotherapy messed with his health almost worse then the cancer did and it was for the rest of his life. He was in chronic pain and obviously that caused moods to be unpleasant at times. This was during my teens as well, so during my teens was difficult for various reasons even at home. My sister was out of the house in college at that time but I was kind of left to my own devices and got into some things and some relationships that if things were more healthy in our household, probably wouldn't have. Also, though this is a positive as well, my father was always someone who gave people many chances and was the parent that wasn't afraid to show emotions like crying. This though a good thing, also can cause some issues and is certainly thing I struggled with for a long time.

I still struggle with some of those issues I had with them today but it is in my mind very minor. My biggest focus is that I don't push my fears onto my own child who is 10 now. I think I have done a good job. Also, I have shown him physical affection and feeling the feels is okay. Especially since he is autistic. Most don't like physical touch. He isn't bothered by that so that is a huge deal.
Through my 20's, I locked my emotions down because I do tend to feel a lot and allow those emotions to steer my behaviors. I was successful at keeping a lock down on this until my dad's death. Also, a new friend of mine has also pushed me to break through those barriers I put up and to just feel and respect what I feel. I had thought I had dealt with many issues, but realized through this friend that I had just put them in a box under my bed. It was out of sight and mind but was still present.
I need to be able to acknowledge my feelings about a lot of things and accept them, because they are legitimate feelings. Having a support system, even one person to hold my hand through this journey makes a huge difference. Though this path is my own, company always helps with the harder terrain.
I appreciate all the many positive things my parents have given me and implemented in my personality and experience. Those few things that I struggle with though, they are big issues. I probably need to take some serious time to myself and really feel all those feels I hid during my teens in particular, take them in, process them, then let them go.

Self Love September: Day 1 - My Self Love Path

I am participating in Self Love September challenge started by our beloved Four Queens, Kelly-Ann Maddox. You can find out more about this challenge on her YT channel by the same name.

Today's focus is on our self love journey. So I figured I would just give as brief as possible run down about my ongoing journey to accept myself and love myself because at this point, I am far from having a healthy relationship with myself.

So let's begin...

I don't remember a time where I was happy with myself or accepted myself until somewhat recently. I grew up in a loving accepting home which one would think would allow for healthy growth of one's self perspective. If this were the case i would probably have a huge ego! ☺ This wasn't the case though. Through my childhood into adulthood I was constantly harassed for various reasons. Being legally blind one a big one, coming from a low income family where we would have to shop at Goodwill for clothes, being a bit of a non-conformist by nature, dressing bizarrely, and having the hyperactive-annoying energy level that puts a lot of people off. There was an abundance to choose from to be picked on for. Hell, even today, my friends say I am easy to give shit to because I am so reactive to things. It is just how I am.
People called me ugly, stupid, weird, annoying, blindy, and plenty of worse things even for no reason other then I stood to close to them. It got bad enough to the point of attempting to kill myself in middle school and my parents sending me to the "blind school" in our state. I learned quickly that though they can't make fun of my eye sight, they still could make fun of everything else. I learned to have a thicker skin there and eventually I returned to my public school with a bit of a strong sense of self. Still very low self esteem that came out by being promiscuous, bad choices in boyfriends,  dabbling in some bad behaviors, and trying to please others rather then myself all the time.
It snowballed into getting married right out of high school to someone who was verbally and mentally abusive. During my senior year I had actually gained some self esteem by going back to the blind school for academic reasons because they had a better program to get ahead in. I was a part of many school organizations and sports and I felt that I was finally if not on top, near the top of my capabilities at the time. So I thought getting married to this guy was another step up because of course I could fix his faults. Obviously that didn't work. That relationship lasted for almost 3 years and was one of my lowest points in my life where I was considering doing what I did in middle school. I finally had to stand up for myself and I divorced  him.
During almost a year of living on my own and dating some of course, bad men, I did learn to rely on myself which was another positive. I also went back to school which gave me purpose. I also met my current husband while in college and was one of my best choices to be with him. Needless to say, this guy is a patient man. We ended up having a child within one year of being together but instead of causing drama it brought us closer.
He went back into the military and during his deployment we found out our child was autistic and I hit another low point. I was so incredibly depressed I went back to counseling which I hadn't since I was in school (mind you I was in counselling almost the entire time in school). I also got diagnosed with adhd and bipolar 2. This explained a lot of things and if I had been diagnosed sooner I probably would have been in a better mental state through some of my younger years. After this point, when my husband returned, we moved out of state for a few years and overall things have  since been alright. There have been some low points of course in the last decade with him but we have a pretty strong relationship.
I recently, after my dad's death last summer, hit a rocky point where I recently chose to get back on what I like to call my "mental meds". The death triggered old mental states that I knew I needed help dealing with.
So that is where I am at in my life experience and through that I have had some growth to where I no longer think I am ugly but just average, that I have a few traits I like about myself, that I am good at a few things, rather then thinking I am useless and have nothing to offer. I also have never felt weak for getting on my medication either like some people do. If I need it, then I need it ya' know?
I have had a very uphill battle in my life with just about everything with a few plateaus where I feel contented, but never really fully happy. I am not sure I have ever felt pure happiness about myself or life in general. Nor peace. I think it is obvious why.

I am hoping that this challenge I can achieve in part some new perspective of myself that will allow a better sense of self, love for myself, and a smidge of happiness.
Feel free to comment or ask questions, I am really an open book.

Friendship: How it has opened my eyes to a wider spirituality

Hello readers,

    At the bottom of the page is a link to a video that corresponds to this topic and may better explain my thoughts. So check it out! One thing I feel gets lost in the focus to become more attuned with spirituality is the friendships outside of the path you follow. We all understand how a coven or spiritual group and even family can have an influence on your spiritual growth. But how often do you consider your non-spiritual friends or those not of the same path? Or those who are still searching for their path?

So for me, other then the occasional theology discussion with my non-pagan friends, there hasn't been a large or noticeable impact on my life. Also, at my age, most of my friends have determined what path they have chosen to follow.  Other then expanding their knowledge, they are all fairly well rounded on the spiritual front.

I have a friend who I have known a few years and who is younger then me who has not determined what their path is but is very intrigued with the metaphysical and asks me many questions about my own path and things about metaphysics and my opinions on it. I really don't get these types of questions because, though I have been a witch for years, I am certainly no expert and I am eclectic so my path is my own, not one following a religion.

This friend asked me questions big and small about my path, what my beliefs are, and some of the questions I had not really been asked before. We didn't just talk about the superficial of the question with a quick answer but had long conversations about each topic. This allowed me to understand my beliefs on a deeper level that I hadn't considered before.

    For example, one of the things that are a hot topic is our discussion about dreams, astral travel, and lucid dreaming. My friend can almost never remember his dreams, while I dream almost every night and can remember most of them, including lucid dreaming. As for astral travel, I am still not very good at it. So I was able to discuss the basics with them and how to take small steps to get to their goal. First step, trying to remember your dreams. Use a journal and write them down immediately as you wake up. Do this for weeks and months until you notice a change. When you realize you are dreaming, attempt to change things small rather then big. Such as picking up a glass you see rather then ignoring it as just background imagery. Stuff like that. Things I had already been doing for some time.

   My friends excitement at these new ideas, since they are new to metaphysical things and outside the box ideas, is so refreshing and has given me a better connection to the things I believe. There have been times I have asked, why do I believe t his anyways? And having these conversations not only help them, they help me. Another example is that I have been in a lull with my tarot readings or connecting with tarot in general. One day they asked for me to pull a few cards, which turned into HOURS of tarot readings from me. This got me reconnected to why I love them so much. My friend is now my tester to see how quickly I connect with a deck if I do at all.

     I have wonderful friends in the craft I wouldn't change at all, but those friends outside the craft I have grown to appreciate even more at time because they just don't accept a simple answer, but require a full explanation that is in depth. This friend has also got me excited about getting back into nature. Not to mention they also are one of the few who understand my way of thinking which can be hard to understand for many, even my own family and husband ha. This helps relieves stress which allows my mind to focus on more important things.

   To round it up, don't forget those friends who are outside the practise of your spirituality and don't allow yourself to become stagnate in what you have always enjoyed before because sometimes you just need the right person in your life to, well, jump start your spiritual batteries.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU_ArTz1iq0

Getting the blog back up!

It has been almost a year since being on this blog. Life has been crazy since then. My big break stemmed from the passing of my father in August which snowballed a hiatus on a lot of my projects.
Being it is close to almost a year since my last post I am considering doing at least a blog once a week again.
I think stepping back from sharing videos unless they are particular interesting, they seem to clog most of my blog up.
I believe I will be focusing back onto spiritual topics again, but also regular life things as well such as my process in my weight loss experience that I am going through. I also intend to include updates on my writing as well.
I hope you all stay in touch and check me out more often!