Kelly on soundcloud discussed freeing the creative process.
I am a creative person. I know this. I do talk myself out of it. I love writing that is my biggest expression next to attire, make up, hair, and body mods. Not having to do with my actual body. I love creating things in any form but I always talk myself down from doing it or make excuses why I can't.
I write, a lot. I have been writing a book for 3-4 years now and it is not finished though I have 75k words done and really I could easily finish it in a month but I am just tapped out. I did for a time find writing other stuff helped with my expression such as short stories and poems. I always feel so much better after. I find when I am depressed though it is extremely difficult to get the energy up and going with it.
I am also a singer and dancer and those are things I love doing but dancing is something I rarely do because of physical issues nor do I have the space to freestyle alone. Singing though, I do and I do it loud. I always feel better after doing it. Music is MY bag baby :) .
This I know is something that if I can push past, I would be a much happier person. This is a short blog but I basically just wanted to touch on my enjoyment of being creative and letting go and just doing it rather then setting some goals other then just starting it, I would be much happier.
Another soundcloud topic is Kelly discussing self love mindsets.
So I interpreted this as calling yourself on bs mindsets when you get into a place of well, bs.
For me I do tend to try to have positive and healthy mindsets but that is almost never possible. I tend to get wrapped up in drama of others, too overthinking things where there is no need to, reading into stuff that isn't there, and having a hard time with identifying my own self worth, strength, and esteem.
The frustrating part of this for me is the fact I know I am doing it when I am doing it generally but I can't seem to stop myself. Especially the overthinking of things. It is like a tornado and it just gets more intense he more I try to escape it. The mindset of a mind that doesn't shut down. It is extremely frustrating.
Writing lists to slow the mind down does help but not always because there are things you just can't make lists about. Setting goals or schedules help to. Structure in general in most things help to keep me focused and process those thoughts.
I have gone as far as to medicate myself to make my mind shut down or organize itself. I take heavy narcotics for my back issue when it flares up but there have been a handful of times I have used it, though my back hurt I could have been mildly okay without it, because it does tend to organize my head. I am not sure why but it focuses me kind of like how ADHD medication does.
This is another area I struggle strongly with because a healthy mindset is something I was not "born" having as far back as I can remember. I am not saying it isn't possible to get out of these mindsets, like being a victim for a long time I no longer generally think that way or when I do I can redirect my thoughts. But it is frustrating for sure in dealing with trying to get into a better place mentally.
For me I have so much solitude due to not working and a child in school. I don't get out of my house much and I do know this does hamper some of my self love growth. But time alone is not an issue. I do tend to sleep my solitude away.
For me, I can't be around many people for long periods because it is exhausting especially being an empath. My walls are very thin to block well.
I tend to feel that when I am alone I have so much freedom that it is overwhelming and I get lost. I am someone even alone I need structure. I don't have a lot to say on having alone time but I do know that I need structured solitude to feel productive.
Another soundcloud topic by Kelly about accepting defeat.
This is something I do struggle with from time to time. I have a lot of wants and needs in life but due to usually external reasons I just can't achieve them for one reason or another. Here are a few of the things.
Working: Due to having physical issues that would make working very difficult, I have actively chosen to stay home with the blessing of my husband who is a great provider and doesn't guilt me over it. I have relatively recently accepted that I may not ever have a traditional job even though I even got a masters in psychology which has come to be almost useless. I have worked non-traditional jobs but they were all temporary or internship jobs. I struggled even then to do it. I do occassionally put feelers out there towards jobs I think I can physically do but overall I have moved on from this.
My book: I love writing and I have so many stories I have started and never finished. I have a book that is over 75k words and almost done but I have been stuck ever since dad was ill and died and have done little to progress it. I am struggling to know if I should give up or really work through it even though my heart is no longer in it. Though for other writings it is.
certain friendships: There are people in my life that I have a hrd time letting go to the void even some I haven't talked to in over a decade but that I want to still talk to but for whatever reason, trivial and seriou reasons, I cannot. I still dream one day smoe of these people will be active once again, though I know it is unlikely.
Fantasizing: I have a vivid imagination and I have many dreams. Some to do with what I would dream of doing with my life but because of the situation I am in is most likely never going to happen, wanting to go back in time and fix things which is impossible, and even at some points dreaming of people (during low points in my marriage) I could be with and how life would be better with them, but knowing it wouldn't logically.
Some of these things could be not given up on and still strived for but the energy just isn't there. Then there are things that are completely out of my hands that I cannot pursue. Then there are just the fantasies that are just dreams and fiction and again will never be a reality and I should stop having.
There are simple things I have no problem giving up defeat to. But things above and even arguments because let me tell you I like to argue for the sake of arguing lol, I find it hard to admit when I am in the wrong, wrong in general, or just following a line of thinking that just isn't healthy.
I will get down on myself extremely hard and get lost in the thoughts of what will never be in life, it is completely unhealthy but I have a hard time stopping it. The hamster in my head is on a wheel with steroids and it does stem from anxiety which I am still coping with dealing with. I do feel once I deal with my high anxiety and depression successfully, a lot of this will no longer be an issue.
Kelly discussed core beliefs and being self aware and how to break some of the unhealthy core beliefs in a soundcloud file.
Some of my core beliefs are the following:
Trust violated once is unforgivable
I am a ride or die friend or significant other. When I care for someone I go 110% for them even to my own detriment
Prejudice is intolerable
Judging should be withheld until you get to know someone
Looks are only skin deep and are unimportant
Just because someone doesn't agree with a stance or opinion of mine doesn't mean they are wrong (opinions are opinions).
I have more but those are the ones I can think of for the moment. I know some of those are good and that most people should have them. I certainly was raised to accept people for who they are and not judge or assume things without getting to know them especially based of their looks. I have a friend who had terrible face scars from frost bite she obtained when she was a baby. When I first met her of course it was the first thing I noticed but I treated her just the same as everyone else and she ended up being one of my closest friends.
Many people would say not forgiving a violation trust is pretty extreme. I am not talking about white lies or anything stupid though if repeated small lies keep happening it will add up in my book. But more major things. Sharing secrets, talking shit, etc. I have found when I forgive people for those violations it always bit me in the ass again later so I just tell them to fuck off and move on. Also with the giving 110% to the ones I care about, as stated, I sometimes go too far and I suffer for it physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is probably my biggest issue and that I need to work on it. I know I can pull back to just 100% or even 80% and I still can be a great friend or significant other to them. I often expect them to be putting in the same and that is unrealistic for most people.
I am very self aware of my personal short comings and as I have gotten older I am becoming more and more aware. I also make sure people call me on shit I do that isn't cool or unacceptable or over reactive. Being accountable is certainly a big help to getting over some of these faults of mine.
I listened to Kelly's sound cloud for last SLS audio and it was about the throat chakra which is the chakra of communication. She discussed speaking up.
It took many years to speak up for myself. The first time I was able to speak up and stand up for myself was in high school and calling bullies out on their behavior (specifically to make them feel childish and immature haha). I felt so powerful when it happened. After a life filled with just accepting shit it was great.
I also started to speak up to my needs to teachers and those who were "above" me in professional ways about my needs for being blind. I needed to request and demand things instead of expecting them to do it without asking or anything like that.
When it comes to personal communication, as an adult, I am a gemini and we are communicators. Even to the degree it is TOO much communication. I have not much of a filter when it comes to speaking my mind even when addressing difficult topics. I find the more I care about someone though, the more worried I get about how they will take an honest topic I needed to address to them. I have lost some friends with speaking up and being honest because they didn't want to hear it, but most have stayed strong. For example, I had to distance myself from a friend who kept surrounding herself with unhealthy people and drinking too much. I was in a place that I was not taking care of myself because I was so involved and worried about her shit. I told her I had to stop being friends with her until she basically straightened up. She actually respected what I was saying and understood. There was no fight and eventually she came around and cleaned her act up and we are good now.
I find being honest even if it could hurt others or hurt me (I try to be tactful as possible) it is worth it because I am speaking my truth. I also make it a point to listen to their side with as much of an unbiased perspective as possible. It really makes friendships and relationships much easier.
There are few things I refrain on speaking up about but those few things are game changing types of things that I am unwilling to risk friendships and relationships over. Some things sometimes do need to be kept to ones self for the better of the whole.
Kelly talked about her own sexual identity and gender identity. Her and I have very much in common in general but this was something that I completely get what she is talking about.
So, just to put it out there, I am pansexual and gender queer. Pansexual in my definition is that I am sexually attracted to everyone regardless of gender (including trans people), ethnicity, disability, religion background, etc. Basically I don't care if you are Hispanic trans male in a wheelchair from an affluent family, or if you are a fifty year old woman with kids, poor, and white. It doesn't matter. I am attracted to personality. Also for me being gender queer just means I do and don't identify as a female or male. I generally use pronouns of a feminine nature but I don't mind having he/him/his either. I have a very strong masculine side and has always been this way. Not strong enough to identify as trans though I have had gender dysphoria at times until I realized being gender queer is a thing.
I was lucky to be raised in a household that my parents made it clear (not knowing my history) made it clear they could give two fucks who we were with as long as I was happy (or my sister who is apparently straight ☺). We always had gay friends over so it just wasn't a big deal. I never put it out there that I was "bi" at the time because I didn't know that pansexual was a thing back in my early teens. I think they suspected and they knew I was chill with the lgbtq community, but it even to this day is just a private thing that is one of the few things I don't need to spew about.
I remember I was always attracted to females but just as much males. Not counting childlike curiosity and playing doctor which most of us do as kids, my first real real girlfriend I had in high school. It didn't last long. She was very screwed up and unhealthy. She misinterpreted a conversation as me flirting with a guy and she punched me in the face at school. I haven't had a g/f since but I have had plenty of experiences since. My peers always knew I was sexually fluid and very much a tom boy.
I was able to put a name to what I identify as gender and sexuality when I worked at an lgbtq youth center non-profit, as an intern. I thought I knew it all with that area but wow was I wrong. By the time I left, I had words to describe what I was and "came out" openly in a group at the job and they of course were extremely supportive. It was great to experience that.
I have never held back that I was sexually fluid to any guys I have dated or my husband or my ex husband. They needed to accept me for me. Most were fine with it or thought it was "hot". My husband just shrugs lmfao. I have had a number of b/f's and close male friends that were sexually fluid as well so they get it without explaining myself.
Sexuality and gender identity as a topic is fascinating and a topic I love to discuss. As for me and self love though, this is one of those areas I am very comfortable and happy with my sexuality and gender identity. The only struggle I have had was in my mid twenties I was having a crisis if I was really more attracted to females. That it was something I eventually came to terms with that though I am sexually attracted to females, I don't think I would ever date one again. Unless they were very masculine. But since I am married I am all good!
Again, I was lucky to be raised with a family who gave no fucks about this topic and accepted me regardless if I wore baggy pants and men's t-shirts, hat on backwards, or wore a dress, or dated a bi man or a lesbian woman. I am glad I had that experience.
This day is focused on staying on point with routines even when there are heavier things going on in one's life such as a project for work, maybe someone ill or dying, etc. The focus is that we need to be able to stay on track with self love regardless of what is going on.
I will break down what my routine is now and then what I would like it to be or what I am trying to have it be currently.
Current routine -
Morning: Wake up and get boo on the bus, maybe eat, and go back to sleep
Day: sleep or on the computer until kiddo comes home
Evening: do some chores, dinner, talk a bit with the hubs and kiddo
Night: shower, computer
my computer activity can range from writing my book, to chatting, to gaming (mostly), social media, yt, and some spiritual stuff.
As you can tell there is lil to no focus on me and more of a distraction from life.
What I would like it to be -
Morning: Sit in bed, do bed stretches, check in with how I feel physically, mentally, emotionally. Get kid up and out. Eat really healthy food and depending if I am tired maybe go to bed. but also exercise after the kid is on the bus.
Day: focus on the to-do list for house care. things I have put off like organizing my office closet that is something I really want to do but for whatever reason I don't finish it. Eating a healthy lunch which I almost never eat during the day until dinner.
Evening: Have a real set time to just sit and talk with my husband without distractions. Same with kiddo. Eating a healthy dinner.
Night: Take a shower (which tends to be my self care time where I relax and chill completely), but also introduce a bath once a month at least to just veg. Focus on specific spiritual stuff.
Of course I will still be on the comp a lot bc this is my main source of communication and way to deal with stuff, but I also want to make it a point to find a day during the week either to volunteer or find a really flexible job, just to get out of the house and be around people I am not related too lol!
I have things I want to do but I do get overwhelmed and then don't ever do it. Like the organizing of the closet. I did do about half of it last month but I have to be in the right mind set too which isn't a regular thing.
Though I don't follow them alone, I am very much a person that enjoys routines, schedule, deadlines. I am mentally very organized. I definitely am someone that needs accountability to someone else or I fall short. I have a hard time getting myself without support, to meet goals. I am lucky to have a friend in my life that does do this as best they can but when it comes down to it, I need to have personal accountability.
This is something I struggle with on a day to day basis. Not having a lot of self care. I do bare minimum. I don't generally make an effort to even do my hair, make up or dress up. I want to do this because it does make me feel better when I feel attractive. Most days I am just chilling out in PJ's.
I currently am focusing on losing weight, finishing my novel, eating healthier, and trying to become pregnant. These are my big focuses. My goals is to lose 20lbs by xmas, finish my novel by the end of the year, stick to me healthy diet, have a strict work out routine, and when I am healthier, the likelihood to become pregnant is much higher. I know logically doing all of this will give me a better physical, emotional, and mental state and will help me reach bigger goals if/when I succeed.
Kelly discusses how we need to forgive ourselves before we can really move on from certain things. That we may regret certain things we have said or did to another.
For me, I don't feel there is much to forgive myself for. I don't think I blame myself for most things. Forgiving others is extremely difficult for me to do though. Basically, once someone has crossed a line, they are dead to me. I know it is a hard line but this is something I have chosen to do because I am either an all or nothing person and if someone violates my trust, that is that.
Now back when I was in school I had a lot of bullying experiences and I was miserable. I held onto that for a very long time and there is still a tiny amount I haven't dealt with yet. When I got older and had been out of high school for some time. I actually found a few of the people who bullied me or who I thought didn't like me either because they hung out with a crowd who were assholes or something else. I actually talked to many and resolved many issues and misunderstandings. Some refused to see that they did anything wrong (usually the worst of them) and they will probably be this way until they die. I even apologized to some people I knew I had been an ass to because I was miserable and they received it gracefully or didn't even remember!
I have made choices I regret and I feel those are the things I need to eventually forgive myself for. Like most being with certain people who were unhealthy to be with and that I stayed with them and ran past more potentially healthy relationships because of superficial reasons or other nonsensical ones.
One of my favorite quotes I have ever heard is from the book and movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The main character asks the teacher why people date bad people and the teacher says.: "We accept the love we think we deserve." I have ran with this quote forever since watching and reading the book.
Anyways, maybe I need to be more forgiving with others rather then myself, maybe I don't. I don't think forgiving everyone or everything is something that is necessary, but moving on is.
One can't really move on if they haven't dealt with the past and acknowledged it.
Other then maybe while I was going through it before I hit my teens, I have always known I was depressed and in my younger years suicidal. I went to counseling for a long time during most of my academic career. So talking about my feelings was not an issue.
When I got older I had some more open dialogue with my family and come to find out, most of them on my dad's side and some on my mom's side have depression, anxiety, imbalanced emotional distress, and some stronger mental issues. That helped to know some of it is genetic predisposition and allowed for an easier acceptance of my mind's state.
I knew even in my darkest times what I needed to do to try and get out if it, such as when I left public school due to the insane amount of bullying and getting a divorce from an abusive marriage, it may have taken a long time to get to those points but I did get out of them. Same with stooping cutting.
I am still on a path where I am still at the beginning of self love path. I have a hard time accepting what I have achieved on an emotional growth level, and it is much more difficult to see myself as those who love me see me.
I know even now that I have depression and bouts of anxiety and drastic mood swings, but I am fully aware as almost in a third person type of view, that i am doing it and know why. I still struggle with many issues and other then 2-3 people I can open up to, I really do keep it to myself so blogging about it is a bit cathartic.
Today's topic was shadow work. This is a topic I love and do much of. As stated, I have discussed previously that I have had plenty of trauma in my life and that I have had counseling almost my entire juvenile years and half of my adult years at this point. I also got a masters in psychology that gives me more insight on aspects of how my brain works. Most people who go into psychology to some degree seem to want to understand themselves and others around them. I was able to learn coping mechanisms and find hidden issues by being in counseling and I always promote seeing a therapist if you are able to if you feel stuck in a process.
I have always been one to enjoy diving into self shadows and why I have them, and why they aren't resolved. When one shadow is uncovered it is like a Jenga puzzle, the whole stack of blocks start falling if that one piece is removed, and will have many shadows uncovered.
I have a hard time seeing me in a 3rd party perspective on how I come off at times. I also have recently realized I haven't resolved many of my younger years shadows that I thought I had addressed and dealt with already. All you need is one person or event to trigger the hidden door to your shadows. It happens often to many people that we think we are completely done with a shadow and move on even for years and poof. Here it comes again. Other shadows I am working on is dealing with my dad's death wihch is a pretty obvious shadow and the process has actually been pretty good. Another is trying to find out why certain triggers that had stopped long ago are coming back in. My assumption but not fully conclusive, is that my dad's death threw me back or uncovered everything not completely dealt with since even after a year, it is a raw subject though mourning wise, I am pretty good on. Death is clearly one of those big shadows for most.
I could go on and on about shadow work and how much I love it because learning about yourself is fantastic and interesting, but I will stop here. I think next year I am going to dedicate October to nothing but shadow working.
The title of Kelly's recent video is Drink Your Own Wisdom. I choke on my own wisdom all the time. I know I give good advice but following it is what is difficult. This is one of the worst things I struggle with with self love for sure.
I put myself out there time and time again for people with advice and action and often it has blown up in my face so for the longest time I didn't allow new people into my life. I have recently, since my dad's death, started to open that closed off part of me back up. It has backfired a bit but overall I have some of the best friends I have had in my life. Two people in particular.
One of them needs a lot of support and at one point I felt I was being sucked dry emotionally on a certain topic so I did take my advice at giving myself a safe space and having soft barriers up. Her and I talked about it and being she is a good person, she didn't throw it in my face and we resolved it and we are stronger for it. Balancing the friendship.
The other friend, it is kind of the opposite. They support me time and time again at some of my worst times and they just stand strong for me while I am a hurricane of an emotional storm. I make it a point to give this friend a lot of verbal support such as advice and positive reinforcement, but hands down they are the tree I lean on the most in my life. They also have a good safe bubble and he calls me on it when I start pushing boundaries and I definitely need to hear it at times.
Kelly asked basically the following question: What was the last inspiring thing you have said to somebody and what would happen to you if you said that to yourself? Now I can't remember specifics, but I know I tell my friends I mentioned above, that they are strong people and that they shouldn't question their gut instincts/intuition about things be it about people or of a spiritual nature. Now I strongly feel I am not strong but both those friends tell me I am. It is hard for me to believe because of all the traumatic shit I have dealt with. I just feel like I endure. I would feel very uncomfortable. It would be like if I spilt that wisdom in my lap and it would look like I peed myself. That is the type of feelings I get from saying stuff like that to myself. I feel silly and stupid saying stuff like that to myself. I know I need to get to the point of finding that comfort level. The struggle is real.
The following are a few things that are in Kelly's words... "My jam" that gets my creative juices flowing and allows for some self appreciation when applied.
Reading: Reading a good book gets my writing mojo going and I go nuts with it when a new book hits one of those cords. When I am in a good state I can write for a whole day. I wasn't able to write creatively last year much because of my dad dying etc and then mourning. This year I have started again but it has certainly been a struggle. When I am able to write something I feel satisfied and good about myself when I successfully finish a project or a chapter in my never ending book. ☺
Art - Something I haven't really done in years... I have always loved hands on creativity such as playing with clay, painting, drawing even though I am horrendous with it. You would think having a kid I would have gotten back into it but not the case. It is something I know I have a desperate need to experience again but for whatever reason when I attempt it falls through and I never do it.
Eccentricities - I know that seems weird but when I run into something or someone who is not in the "norm" box, I analyze it or them and it gives me ideas for a variety of things. This includes funky clothes, make up, behaviors that are unique, etc. I am an oddball myself and I am proud of it, so I can appreciate things that are outside the box.
A good conversation - There are some people and some topics that if discussed, I can talk for many hours. I am talking like... 10+ hours consecutively! I tend to feel like my brain is a pitcher that the conversation is the water filling it. When it is done I have very full head and I want to "pour" that energies into something which allows for creativity in a few different forms especially writing.
Music and dance - I was raised in a household where music from The Doors to Sting, from Dave Mathews to Marilyn Manson was played. Singing and loud music was just a part of my childhood and still is a strong creative 'juice box" for me. I was also raised to dance in classes like ballet, tap, acrobatics, jazz, hip hop, etc. For many years. I have also learned that dance on my mothers side of the family is something passed down with professional dancing. Music, singing, and dancing, they are things I still use today (generally privately) to express myself or get creativity from. It is one of my most static creative sources that I think will always be there.
Learning - Social sciences in particular like psychology, sociology, etc. Learning always makes my brain tick and I love it!
Gaming - I know it is crazy but gaming.
Cleaning - Kelly talks about decluttering in her video. Weirdly enough I enjoy going through things and organizing. I had even considered doing it as a job for a few years! But it gives me energy and a way to decompress bad energies too.
I remember I used to as a kid repeatedly create paper boxes, write letters over and overs that I never sent, drawing in my sketch books even though they were awful, scrap booking bands and "things" I was interested in back when, playing with my clothes, jewelry, and make up. Most of these things I stopped doing.
I would say something in the last year that has given me energy and creative is new friendships. Yeah, yeah, I touch on friendship almost every post I got it lol. But at this point in my life I have been kind of stuck in a funk with the same people in my life. New people in my life have kicked me back into some sort of a gear with questioning things and finding new oomph for life because of them. Which in turn allows for creativity to come back as well. Especially when they are supportive about me trying to express myself.
I do need to make time to get "out" and allow myself to experience things to give me more mojo for creativity. The last time was when I went to the ocean the last 2 times in the past year. It kind of drew my energies out.
I have the same routine all the time and my goal for the following year is to make resolution to get out to somewhere new once a month. Not a crazy goal but totally doable.
One of my biggest issues is putting others in front of my own needs. Also, putting myself in situations where I ask for others okays and thoughts rather then making my own decisions independently. I will also touch on getting out of toxic relationships with people.
This has been one of my biggest issues on self love. Having low self esteem, I tried finding it through other people and unhealthy relationships. When I was young, in grade school, I would put everything into what I thought was friendships to the point that it was annoying to those friends who pushed me away because of it. By middle school, I found a group of people who accepted me for me but were very unhealthy individuals. They were from extremely tumultuous households understand respect of others or appropriate emotional expressions, some did drugs, and so on. So I was not generally around unhealthy environments and people who weren't really in a good place to have healthy relationships. When I was in high school I chose to be more selective about my friendships but I certainly wasn't great at choosing people even then. I was getting into romantic relationships because I felt that was expected and behaved the way I thought I was supposed to and eventually got into an unhealthy marriage because of that.
This was one of the biggest unhealthy relationships I had been in to date. It was an emotional and verbal and bordered on physically abusive due to his bipolar disorder and the way he was raised. He unintentionally conditioned me to on egg shells and always ask for permission to do things which I haven't fully broken the habit of today. I also have a bad habit of apologizing and looking for others approval due to this relationship. My biggest self love experience through that whole situation is getting the strength up to divorce him. Which I finally did.
It has taken a lot of time to get to where I am today from that low point, but I still have a lot to work on still.
Currently, my biggest struggles are putting those I love and care about before me even when it isn't necessary or even when they call me out on it and tell me to stop it. It is a bit of a compulsive reaction for me. My happiness generally derives from making others happy, not myself.
I have a friend in my life currently who calls me on it when I do it more then anyone has and tries to nail in the fact that my needs are more important then anyone else. My friend tells me many positive things about myself that I either never hear or hear very rarely from those I care about and it has a major impact on how I view myself. It is kind of like relearning how to have healthy relationships and this friend is kind of steering the way. I am learning things about myself that I didn't know, or that I haven't dealt with and thought I had, and so on. It is interesting how one person coming into your life at the right time can flip it upside down and have such a large impact on it, in a positive way. Though some negative habits have popped up and my friend just figuratively shakes me and bats my head to get me out of those habits. Sometimes you need another person to give you a hand up but when it comes down to it, this is something I will eventually need to continue alone.
It is a never ending process.
Today's topic is self parenting and acknowledging our inner child.
So I will start by discussing my relationship with my parents. As briefly touched on before in the last blog, I was very lucky to have great parents. Were they perfect? Nah, but they were as ideal as I could have expected parents of mine to be. Both hippies who raised me and my sister be free spirits with in reason and safety. Never kept realistic views from us even if they were negative. Such as discussing sex at the dinner table! Ha! My dad before I was born, was a partier and drinker and certainly continued to smoke pot until he died but he was a functional pothead where you really couldn't tell he was stoned. They used my dad's experiences to give us warnings on why doing certain things are a bad idea. Such as drinking and rolling a car. Yeah, not so good. My mom though experimented before we were born was very straight edge, not even drinking after we came around.
Both parents came from households that had father's who were alcoholics and with my dad, an abusive father. So they both as adults went quite the opposite. They were both raised Roman Catholic so I feel they both kind of felt tthe need to not have me and my sister have a super strict up bringing with the guilt associated with many religions. They let us choose our own path. Hell, dad went pagan and my mom associates with Native American beliefs.
They were very affectionate, would listen to our problems and treat us both like people rather then just kids, and though we were low income they always found a way to make holidays special.
Overall, they gave my sister and I a lot of freedom to grow but enough limitations that we weren't wild children. Even in our teens and certainly when I was gothed out and emo they didn't restrict much there either.
Were they perfect parents? God no. My mom certainly gave me my neuroticness when it comes fears such as heights. We actually experienced this last weekend when we went to dump my dad's ashes in the mountains and her and I (not my sister) were wigging out over the heights. She conditioned a few long time fears of mine. For sure. Also, she had a bad habit of not showing softer emotions like tears so I have often felt the need to hold mine back since my teens. We definitely had strife in my teens but we are very close now particularly since my dad's death.
My dad was always great, but when he had cancer the first time 15 years ago, his moods certainly were affected. The chemotherapy messed with his health almost worse then the cancer did and it was for the rest of his life. He was in chronic pain and obviously that caused moods to be unpleasant at times. This was during my teens as well, so during my teens was difficult for various reasons even at home. My sister was out of the house in college at that time but I was kind of left to my own devices and got into some things and some relationships that if things were more healthy in our household, probably wouldn't have. Also, though this is a positive as well, my father was always someone who gave people many chances and was the parent that wasn't afraid to show emotions like crying. This though a good thing, also can cause some issues and is certainly thing I struggled with for a long time.
I still struggle with some of those issues I had with them today but it is in my mind very minor. My biggest focus is that I don't push my fears onto my own child who is 10 now. I think I have done a good job. Also, I have shown him physical affection and feeling the feels is okay. Especially since he is autistic. Most don't like physical touch. He isn't bothered by that so that is a huge deal.
Through my 20's, I locked my emotions down because I do tend to feel a lot and allow those emotions to steer my behaviors. I was successful at keeping a lock down on this until my dad's death. Also, a new friend of mine has also pushed me to break through those barriers I put up and to just feel and respect what I feel. I had thought I had dealt with many issues, but realized through this friend that I had just put them in a box under my bed. It was out of sight and mind but was still present.
I need to be able to acknowledge my feelings about a lot of things and accept them, because they are legitimate feelings. Having a support system, even one person to hold my hand through this journey makes a huge difference. Though this path is my own, company always helps with the harder terrain.
I appreciate all the many positive things my parents have given me and implemented in my personality and experience. Those few things that I struggle with though, they are big issues. I probably need to take some serious time to myself and really feel all those feels I hid during my teens in particular, take them in, process them, then let them go.
I am participating in Self Love September challenge started by our beloved Four Queens, Kelly-Ann Maddox. You can find out more about this challenge on her YT channel by the same name.
Today's focus is on our self love journey. So I figured I would just give as brief as possible run down about my ongoing journey to accept myself and love myself because at this point, I am far from having a healthy relationship with myself.
So let's begin...
I don't remember a time where I was happy with myself or accepted myself until somewhat recently. I grew up in a loving accepting home which one would think would allow for healthy growth of one's self perspective. If this were the case i would probably have a huge ego! ☺ This wasn't the case though. Through my childhood into adulthood I was constantly harassed for various reasons. Being legally blind one a big one, coming from a low income family where we would have to shop at Goodwill for clothes, being a bit of a non-conformist by nature, dressing bizarrely, and having the hyperactive-annoying energy level that puts a lot of people off. There was an abundance to choose from to be picked on for. Hell, even today, my friends say I am easy to give shit to because I am so reactive to things. It is just how I am.
People called me ugly, stupid, weird, annoying, blindy, and plenty of worse things even for no reason other then I stood to close to them. It got bad enough to the point of attempting to kill myself in middle school and my parents sending me to the "blind school" in our state. I learned quickly that though they can't make fun of my eye sight, they still could make fun of everything else. I learned to have a thicker skin there and eventually I returned to my public school with a bit of a strong sense of self. Still very low self esteem that came out by being promiscuous, bad choices in boyfriends, dabbling in some bad behaviors, and trying to please others rather then myself all the time.
It snowballed into getting married right out of high school to someone who was verbally and mentally abusive. During my senior year I had actually gained some self esteem by going back to the blind school for academic reasons because they had a better program to get ahead in. I was a part of many school organizations and sports and I felt that I was finally if not on top, near the top of my capabilities at the time. So I thought getting married to this guy was another step up because of course I could fix his faults. Obviously that didn't work. That relationship lasted for almost 3 years and was one of my lowest points in my life where I was considering doing what I did in middle school. I finally had to stand up for myself and I divorced him.
During almost a year of living on my own and dating some of course, bad men, I did learn to rely on myself which was another positive. I also went back to school which gave me purpose. I also met my current husband while in college and was one of my best choices to be with him. Needless to say, this guy is a patient man. We ended up having a child within one year of being together but instead of causing drama it brought us closer.
He went back into the military and during his deployment we found out our child was autistic and I hit another low point. I was so incredibly depressed I went back to counseling which I hadn't since I was in school (mind you I was in counselling almost the entire time in school). I also got diagnosed with adhd and bipolar 2. This explained a lot of things and if I had been diagnosed sooner I probably would have been in a better mental state through some of my younger years. After this point, when my husband returned, we moved out of state for a few years and overall things have since been alright. There have been some low points of course in the last decade with him but we have a pretty strong relationship.
I recently, after my dad's death last summer, hit a rocky point where I recently chose to get back on what I like to call my "mental meds". The death triggered old mental states that I knew I needed help dealing with.
So that is where I am at in my life experience and through that I have had some growth to where I no longer think I am ugly but just average, that I have a few traits I like about myself, that I am good at a few things, rather then thinking I am useless and have nothing to offer. I also have never felt weak for getting on my medication either like some people do. If I need it, then I need it ya' know?
I have had a very uphill battle in my life with just about everything with a few plateaus where I feel contented, but never really fully happy. I am not sure I have ever felt pure happiness about myself or life in general. Nor peace. I think it is obvious why.
I am hoping that this challenge I can achieve in part some new perspective of myself that will allow a better sense of self, love for myself, and a smidge of happiness.
Feel free to comment or ask questions, I am really an open book.
