We Smell Change...
In the past year, year and a half, I have gone through a pretty major shift in many ways. First is spiritual. For a very long time I have been atheist then for the past couple years, I have been agnostic, due to my strong ability to be a skeptic to the deterrent to being open to things. I have gone and involved myself a little bit lately in the metaphysical stuff. I probably am best fit under pagan, without deities.
Another thing that has changed is my ability to control my anger/uncontrolled responses that used to be caused by provocation as most of you know, you poke me in a certain way big or small, you will get every clear reaction from me. When it comes to petty arguments, I am now able to shut them down and walk away almost all the time now. I used to feel the need to fight everything just for the sake of it. It is every unnecessary act that just drains me.
I barely cry. Grief is the biggest trigger for me, understandably, but crying over anger is extremely rare. It is a waste of energy and again, just a drain on me. Not to mention headache giver of epic proportions. Now some may say not crying is unhealthy, but it is not the fact I am holding back, it is just that I haven't felt the need to.
This correlates with the next change. My chronic depression and mood issues. I have felt very "base" for quite some time now.Depression associated with my family who has passed is not the depression that has dogged me my whole life. I have carried a lot of frustration, bitter anger,and self loathing most of my life for various reasons from me being blind, to how I have been treated by a certain family member since practically birth, to how I have been used/abused (no not physically), way beyond what most people have experienced. Though I have moments where if I talk about certain people or experiences, oh ya I get worked up, but I am able to not have these things affect my daily life anymore. Which is a big step.
Letting go and moving forward basically has been my thing. I have lost people I used to be best friends with by choice or by fate, but have gained healthier and even some more fulfilling relationships with the"newer" friends I have gained. Or the rekindling of very old friendships. Some of these people have made all the difference in the world tome, you know who you are :).
Losing my grandparents started a ball rolling about living life without regrets, or moving on from the things that were not worth living in.Losing my cousin so violently, really kicked it into my head how short life can be. Telling those you love, even if you don't get along, that you love them and care for them regardless if they are jackasses lol, is absolutely necessary.His loss in particular gave me a better view on life and how the small thing scan be the most important and to take advantage in a positive way every opportunity you are given. I feel very lucky I was able to speak to grandparents days before their passing and to let them know I loved them, and to hug my cousin and tell him I loved him again, days before he passed. It gives me solace to know they knew I cared.
I still have things to work on, as we all do. My communication skills certainly are my biggest issues when interacting with others. How some may perceive my actions or words may not be what I intended. Working has given me a better outlook on my own ways of communicating and also has helped me grow in ways I couldn't have if I hadn't gotten out of this house and found productive opportunity.
Anyways, this is insanely long and I doubt most will bother reading any of this. But those who do, thank you.
Another thing that has changed is my ability to control my anger/uncontrolled responses that used to be caused by provocation as most of you know, you poke me in a certain way big or small, you will get every clear reaction from me. When it comes to petty arguments, I am now able to shut them down and walk away almost all the time now. I used to feel the need to fight everything just for the sake of it. It is every unnecessary act that just drains me.
I barely cry. Grief is the biggest trigger for me, understandably, but crying over anger is extremely rare. It is a waste of energy and again, just a drain on me. Not to mention headache giver of epic proportions. Now some may say not crying is unhealthy, but it is not the fact I am holding back, it is just that I haven't felt the need to.
This correlates with the next change. My chronic depression and mood issues. I have felt very "base" for quite some time now.Depression associated with my family who has passed is not the depression that has dogged me my whole life. I have carried a lot of frustration, bitter anger,and self loathing most of my life for various reasons from me being blind, to how I have been treated by a certain family member since practically birth, to how I have been used/abused (no not physically), way beyond what most people have experienced. Though I have moments where if I talk about certain people or experiences, oh ya I get worked up, but I am able to not have these things affect my daily life anymore. Which is a big step.
Letting go and moving forward basically has been my thing. I have lost people I used to be best friends with by choice or by fate, but have gained healthier and even some more fulfilling relationships with the"newer" friends I have gained. Or the rekindling of very old friendships. Some of these people have made all the difference in the world tome, you know who you are :).
Losing my grandparents started a ball rolling about living life without regrets, or moving on from the things that were not worth living in.Losing my cousin so violently, really kicked it into my head how short life can be. Telling those you love, even if you don't get along, that you love them and care for them regardless if they are jackasses lol, is absolutely necessary.His loss in particular gave me a better view on life and how the small thing scan be the most important and to take advantage in a positive way every opportunity you are given. I feel very lucky I was able to speak to grandparents days before their passing and to let them know I loved them, and to hug my cousin and tell him I loved him again, days before he passed. It gives me solace to know they knew I cared.
I still have things to work on, as we all do. My communication skills certainly are my biggest issues when interacting with others. How some may perceive my actions or words may not be what I intended. Working has given me a better outlook on my own ways of communicating and also has helped me grow in ways I couldn't have if I hadn't gotten out of this house and found productive opportunity.
Anyways, this is insanely long and I doubt most will bother reading any of this. But those who do, thank you.
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